Saturday, August 4, 2007

If Holden Caulfield Was a Cyclist.

(look… if you haven’t read the book you will not understand this at all. Shit even if you have read the book you might not understand. Go read the book).

Running Sucks! But I went anyway
-By Holden Caufield (kinda).

I am really a cyclist (I used to say “a biker” but people gave me all these stupid looks like I had snot on my face), but I live in the stupid place where there is never any snow when you want it (for things like skiing and that suck) and its cold as hell nine month of the year. So what’s the point of having all this stupid cold with out any snow?

Anyway, in honor of today being such a nice day and all (today being Saturday… the day most people watch football in their gitch and get fatter. People used to go to the cinema but then they came out with DVDs, and well you can’t blame them for not going, now that they can sit in their gitch and get fat and all).

Anyway I was saying, in honor of today being such a nice day I decided to go running. I decided I disliked running because it hurts, and I suck at running, and everyone is better then I am. Did I mention I suck at running? Anyway it’s better to suck at something with other people, especially if they suck. So I called about a zillion people and explain how I wanted to go running in honor of it being such a nice day and all. Well you can just imagine what they said. Most of them are phonies anyway. There is nothing I hate more then phonies. They make me sick. Ok so I called all these people and only a few came out, which is kinda cool because I hate running, and I like these people so it was not so bad.

But first, I flailed about like an epileptic fat teenager, holding 8 lbs weights in my hand and grooving to my cardio mix naked in front of the mirror. This is supposed to make me more motivated for my running with all these other fitness freaks, but it only made me feel weird and kinda stupid (that the last time I follow Mikes advice!).

Then I went on the treadmill for 3 minutes. I figured I would workout before I worked out so I wouldn’t feel so unfit when I went for this stupid run. I wanted to go for longer but my legs gave out.

Then I contemplated going outside to run, wondering how silly I would look in my newly purchased "My, These Pants Sure Are Shiny" workout pants.

Then Ed showed up and convinced me to go running, once I changed into shorts. Which seemed like a really stupid idea since it was minus 30 outside. He said something about not wanting to be seen with me.

Then I tried to run. It was cold and windy. Did I mention it was cold? I'm not built for running or walking. Walking also sucks. I figured if I was going to run I should eat like a runner (what ever the fuck that is) then I thought runners probably eat all kinds of weird shit that is sorta good for you. That sucks too. So I had six peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, plus extra Sun Chips, and some chocolate milk right before I headed out. I figured I would just run it off… or something like that. I even pack a few to take and eat during my run. Unfortunately, this resulted in me mostly walking and scowling, and occasionally puking about every twenty feet. At first I though everyone would make a big deal about the puke and all that, but there is no one to laugh at you when you get dropped like a wet log. Maybe I should have changed my new shiny pants.

I tried to strike up a conversation with one of the walkers who joined our group, but it's hard to check people out when you're sweaty, frustrated, puking, have sans corrective lenses, and have an iPod flopping about in your pocket like a piece of Ron Jeremy.

Oh, well. At least I have this cool hacking runners cough!